As an over-achiever coupled with a prophetic gifting, I can leave people around me feeling like they don't measure up and are not as good as I am. Those closest to me can feel like they can never make me happy. I remember feeling that way growing up by my dear mother and grandmother. They always had a negative comment on what I should be doing or how I should be doing it or that I should do it better, when all I really wanted was their love and acceptance.
I didn't learn about love and acceptance till many years later. I did to others what had been done to me. If someone didn't like it I would think, "Well, that's their problem! People should focus more on the Lord and not on me." It has taken me along time to see the importance of encouraging and nurturing others. I do have the gift of exhortation and can exhort almost anyone to get just about anything done. I am a mover and a shaker. But not necessarily in an encouraging way. More like, "You're scared for you life to fail, do it or die!"
Let me give you a bit more of my background...I come from a family where men wore big belt buckles and plaid flannel shirts, get fed by their woman three square meals a day at the same time everyday and perform all the 'so-called' manly duties of life like hunting, chopping wood, and so on. My grandfather was so busy with life that he did not speak to me until I was 18 years old. My idea of a man had nothing to do with godly character, it was based on my interpretation of what I saw men doing.
When Don and I were married, he was a Marine from NYC who didn't wear belt buckles from the Pendleton Rodeo, didn't own any tools or perform any of what I would call 'Manly Tasks.' He grew up as an only child in an apartment where the landlord fixed everything for them. He certainly never hunted or fished or chopped wood. Our first newly-wed conflict came when he would not perform one of the duties of the house that I thought he was responsible for(ie. fix something!). Not only will he not...he really can't. I became quickly dissatisfied in my heart thinking, "What kind of a guy doesn't wear plaid and know how to fix things?" Apparently this attitude began to flow out of me as a young wife until one day Don said to me, "Why do you only love me if I perform for you, and do what you think I should do?" Dead serious I say, "What kind of a wimp doesn't do the things he's supposed to do?" And shrugged off his point. The foreign concept to him is that I conditionally love him. The foreign concept to me is that he wants me to unconditionally love him.
Don goes on to tell me that he will let me down and that I should not trust in him but in the Lord. I went on to think that I had married a chicken that wanted to hide behind God to avoid his responsibilities because real men don't let you down, they do their job.
We had been married for 7 years when the Lord took us through one of our biggest trials and it was then that I began to understand Don's words more clearly, "I will let you down." The Lord has taken us through many ups and downs as well as given us the opportunity to walk closely with others in their trials. As I have grown in my love and understanding for the Gospel, I now see that Don was not the loser wimp I thought he was who was just trying to get out of his responsibility. Actually, Don is the most godly person that I know. Yes he has his faults, but he loves Jesus. And he was loving me enough to point me to God. He was warning me that everything and everyone will fail except Jesus. That I can not put my hope in people. The best gift that Don ever gave me was to let me know that he will fail as a husband and truth be told, he has failed many times. But Jesus never will and never has. In our 19+yrs of marriage I have certainly nagged, bossed, and beat my husband down, being the over-achieving criticizer.
I see the effects of the gospel in our marriage because of the damage I have done by not being more of an accepting encourager is being redeemed and restored by God's mercy and grace to us. As I understand more of His Grace and Love for me I am more free to extend it to my husband in a way I never could.
Since I am understanding more about my freedom in Christ I am free to love without the pressure of failure or being rejected which is something I did not understand before Christ. I am accepted by God no matter how I perform or what I do as a wife! I can not earn favor by completing a list of womanly tasks.
The last few years I have tried to be more intentional with encouraging and nurturing people in my life, especially my husband. Proverbs says, "A wise woman builds her house and a foolish one tears it down." Well I am sure I've torn mine down several times in life but God, being merciful, keeps rebuilding it. 1st Thes. 5:11 says, "Encourage one another and build each other up." To encourage one another is to impart courage or confidence; to give support. To nurture means to promote growth and development.So in my attempt to put myself aside and love and build up my husband, I decided to text him one morning. You see, Don has been feeling a little 'out of shape' lately, so he started an exercising program, something I had been encouraging him to do for awhile. The thing is, Don has a hard time being consistent so I was expecting him to possibly quit a few days into it. To my surprise he didn't! So I decided to send him an encouraging text saying, "U R A STUD! SO PROUD OF U! KEEP STICKING WITH IT!" I felt so good about my effort as a new and improved encourager. Although to be honest, it was a little bit uncomfortable for me. I think one of the roots of this was pride, fear of my effort being rejected and not remembering my identity and security is in Christ alone.Well about an hour later I get a text back from Don saying, "IS THIS SOME SORT OF JOKE?? R U OK?" I totally laughed and with a smile went upon my day thinking upon how much fun I have with this man. About an hour later I realized, "Hey this wasn't the response that I was going for!" I was looking for some playful banter back and forth not Don to spike the ball back with, "R U OK??" Like someone kidnapped me or aliens took over my body.
What lesson did I learn? That I need the strength & help of the Lord even to open my mouth or text and I need the hope and encouragement of the gospel to keep pushing forward in being an encourager. I was not offended by Don's words, it was funny but I was saddened that I had not used the gift of encouragement more in my marriage. As I embrace my identity in Christ I am free to take chances to love and encourage even if I don't receive it in return because I am already loved and accepted by God. And nothing I do can change that.
I am growing in my understanding of being accepted as well as learning to accept where others are. Marriage is a process and thankfully it's not up to us alone. My natural instinct after feeling a bit rejected was to never text him again. He is a grown man, he did not need to be encouraged to exercise. But the heart of Jesus is to love and yes, He was rejected in a much bigger way so yes I will continue to love and serve my husband with the gift of building him up with encouraging words regardless of whether he responds positively or not. Whether he performs his "manly duties" or not. Jesus loves me and accepts me not because of my performance but His. So I will try to put off my negative comments and freely give encouragement because this is what Jesus does for me! -Michelle
